The New York Times has a great article in this weekend's magazine about infidelity, monogamy, and what marriages are for. For me, it picked up on a lot of pieces that I explored last February, in a platform address I gave called "Ethical Sex." In the address, I wondered about what makes sex ethical: is it a covenant between two people, unbroken over years? Or is it about the respect and caring brought to the relationship, whether that relationship lasts decades or one night?
The NYTimes piece opens up the possibility that non-monogamy--rather than unsuccessful monogamy (which would be referred to as cheating)--might be a valid choice for some married couples. It also explores, though, what happens when someone does cheat, and what a strong marriage's reaction could be. The basic idea is that marriage is about stability, about creating stable families, not about two people being everything for each other for all time...and not about saying to heck with the stability offered if one of the partners isn't faithful.
Of course I was especially interested in two references to clergy in the article, and the preparation they do (or don't) offer to couples before marriage. I've changed my own pre-marital spiel to include some conversation about how fidelity is important--but can mean different things to different couples. I encourage couples to talk about and explore what it means to them, and to be aware of how it might change over time.
But I haven't specifically talked about betrayal--whether it's romantic or sexual, as in this article, or some other kind of betrayal--and the importance for married couples to see the value of the relationship as the higher good. I'm no advocate of staying in horrible marriages, of course, but I do agree with Dan Savage (the columnist highlighted in the article) that forgiveness is as important a value in a marriage as fidelity.
So maybe I should be asking the hopeful, excited couples I marry to think about betrayal a little bit more...and how their marriage can withstand it.
3 comments:
Thanks for articulating this. I have always contended that it's not infidelity per se that breaks up marriages, but the lying associated with it. And I am always a little sad when I hear of a marriage that is ending "just" because one person strayed outside the marriage. Of course I suppose you never know how you will feel until such a thing happens to you, but I would like to think that my ultimate commitment to my marriage would over-ride disappointment in my partner.
Thanks for an interesting post, Amanda. I'm imagining myself as a pre-marital counselee, and I'm not sure that trying to think about forgiving a betrayal by my partner would be more productive than just discussing forgiveness in general. If couples can be given the recipe for seeking reconciliation--apologizing, asking for forgiveness, offering amends, and recommitting to or renegotiating the broken agreement are the parts that I remember--that will stand them in good stead for a wide range of situations, from the mundane annoyances to the major betrayals.
I’m afraid I’m not convinced that non-monogamy is a long-term solution for much of anyone. There’s just too much potential for things to go wrong. What if one spouse finds someone who is more sexually satisfying than their partner? What if something that was supposed to be purely physical becomes emotional as well? What if someone only agrees to it because they feel pressured? What if they agree in good faith, but the reality is more upsetting than they’d anticipated? What if simply asking for permission is enough to destroy all trust in the marriage? And maybe I’m prudish, or naïve, or just lucky, but – is monogamy so terrible? Is there really that much to gain from non-monogamy? There just seems to be such great potential for heartbreak that any possible benefit is insignificant by comparison.
I also am not sure of the value of “forgiveness” in this context. Betrayed spouses speak not so much of anger about a broken promise, but rejection – feeling unattractive, unwanted, unloved. Forgiveness might get your naughty spouse off the hook, but it won’t do much toward rebuilding your self-esteem.
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